Wednesday, November 28, 2007
I've been asking myself for awhile now. What is it that I lack? I seem to have everything, yet have nothing, because everything I have is so meaningless.
I've been thinking about it, and I think, I've found the answer.
A direction.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Am I running away?
I don't think so.
But I feel so.
Now that I've started doubting myself.
But it's something I'll never know for sure.
What is truth?
Whatever we believe is truth is based on our own limited human understanding.
Does it matter, anyway?
At the end of the day, we die.
Then we see which of us won the gamble.
It's all about perception, isn't it?
That's how two siblings can grow up in the same household, taught the same values, and yet turn out completely opposite of each other.
Does clubbing and drinking really make you less of a Christian?
I don't think so.
I don't believe so.
Jesus drank wine.
But He didn't go drunk.
When I left, why is it that none of you bothered to keep me in touch?
Do I really matter so little?
I thought we were a group.
A group that promised to grow together, to keep each other strong spiritually, and be there for each other.
But that didn't happen.
Because I fell away.
And nobody was around to catch me.
So I crashed into the depths of the earth.
Where no one can find me now.
And where no one bothers to search for.
Do I really mean so little?
Monday, November 26, 2007
Thursday, November 22, 2007
I can describe what happened the past 24 hours in a few words.
10pm.
Mambo night.
Zouk.
Drink.
Dance.
3am.
Trix house.
Gossip Girl.
Sleep.
It was a fun night girls, though I seriously can't imagine how people do that every week. Kudos to their stamina, their wallets and their comfortable shoes.
Monday, November 19, 2007
It's times like this when I wish I had someone to listen to me voice my thoughts, to help me put things in perspective, to give advice and just to let me know that you're helping me get through all this. But no, there's no one, not today, not this week, not now. I don't know what to think, what I should be thinking anyway. I don't understand.
Apart from the Prom Dress Fiasco (PDF), which I'm really disturbed by, comes the fact that there isn't much TIME left of the year. Feels like I've wasted 11 months of the year mugging and worrying my fucking ass off about studies studies studies. Teachers say that "JC life is the most memorable." Certainly. The most memorable. Not for the right reasons. Well I suppose I learned alot. Like how there're more important things in life than Cell, Church Camp and Carolling. Funny enough, those were the three Cs that filled my holiday last year. And now, they're so insignificant. Because I've opened my eyes up so much more. Seen how people suffer. Seen the lost, the frightened, the proud. Why should I go attend cell, be in places where I'm comfortable, when I'm in a clique, happy and filled with a sense of belonging, when god, there're so many damn people out there in that stupid world of hypocracy and insincerity?
There has always been talk about "incorporating more people into the core of the group", how "those in the periphery always get left out" and "we must unite the community". You know what, SHUT THE FUCK UP. If you really wanted to do something about it, you wouldn't have taken FIVE FUCKING YEARS to do it. And it's not getting better. Maybe it is to you, because you're in the core. But me, I've been thrown into the periphery. YOU MAKE IT SO GOD DAMN FUCKING OBVIOUS. Talk without action is WORTHLESS. Doesn't benefit no one. Maybe one day you'll learn that. When you step away from the mirror long enough to check the damage that would always be right behind you.
About the PDF, I don't even want to talk about it right now.
Glenn, where're are you when I need you around. Haha. Stupid physics.
And to think that I'd have nothing to worry about after exams. Can't find my bloody prom dress!!! Ah.
I've got entry. I've got a room. I've got post prom ticket. I've got a hairstylist. I've got make up artist. I've got manicure-pedicure location.
BUT I DON'T HAVE A DRESS, DAMN IT.
And I need my dress before I can get my shoes. AIYA. How hard is it to find a decent, not frilly, above-the-knee dress!!!!!
DAY TWO OF SHOPPING FAILED. TODAY'S DAY THREE. My feet are screaming at me to stop walking.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Heard a story on Class 95 today, of all random things.
What if I told you to take a grain of sand from the beach, and walk all the way to the top of the highest mountain to deposit it there, and walk back to the same beach? Then when you got back, to take another grain, just that one grain, and walk back to the top of Mt. Everest and put it on the summit, and come back to the beach. When you'd get back, I'd tell you again to take yet another grain and do the same thing.
And when all the grains, of all the beaches, of all the world, have been brought to the highest point of the Earth, one by one...
Yeah man, that's just the beginning of eternity.
The wonder of it all. The beginning of eternity. It's just too much to comprehend, that all I can do is to be struck dumbfounded marvelling at this, this... this... (I don't know.) Just trying to take it all in, melts your heart, speeds up your breaths, as you stretch your arms apart trying to convey the vastness of all that it contains.
WOW. I feel blown away by it all.
Thank you, V. Lo., for helping me put things in perspective. Such a short story, sending off such great waves of impact. I stand amazed.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
So it's about six days more to go, before we're finally done with exams. Totally looking forward to learning new stuff (carving on water), but I'm avoiding thinking of how the papers went. For one, they're not fantastic, they just feel like any other paper i've ever done and screw up.
DONT THINK, CLAIRE. DONT.
I suppose it helps. Well it'll help until March, at least. Such short term aims. No idea where I'm going to go, no idea what I'm going to do. I don't want to push myself anymore; I don't want to force myself to do the things with a shelf life; I want to chase my passion. I want to find something that I'll really love doing. I want to be driven by passion, not practicality. ):